Engdahl_Classification_Essay

I chose this formal essay because I had alot of fun writing it. I enjoyed writing it so much it actually ended up being alot longer than the required 500 words. I gave it to my sister to read and she was laughing the whole time. I hope you enjoy it. = Pedestrian Problems =

 A bell rings, and 2,000 students rise out of instinct. They fill the hallways, going a hundred different places a hundred different ways. Most of these people find a completely reasonable and unobtrusive way to get to their next class, but this is not about those people. There are some people whose methods of reaching their classes range from the mildly irritating to the downright dangerous. These include Gossip Girl, The Thug, The Road Block, Waldo, The European, and Speed Racer.

The least dangerous of these are Gossip Girl, The Thug, and The Road Block. Although harmless, these are the most likely to ruin your day. You are given five minutes to get to class, and these three insist on making sure you don’t get there in that time frame.

Gossip Girl is generally accompanied by all thirty of her “bffs”, who arrange themselves in a solid wall across the hallway. Whatever they are talking about is clearly the end of the world, and it is generally accompanied by screams and flailing arms. The amount of energy it takes to tell such an epic story is so great that they are only capable of shuffling through the hallway. The downside of this is you will most certainly be late, while the plus side is you will know exactly who is cheating on whom, who has been making out in the hallways, and which girls are no longer friends.

Next is The Thug. Although he limps along at a snail’s pace, somehow The Thug will manage to get in front of you at one point. He is not concerned about you, and would like you, and everyone near you to know it. The downside is yet again you will be late, but the plus side is it will provide you an opportunity to study his gait and work on your “swagger”.

The last person guaranteed to slow you down is The Road Block. For no apparent reason this person decides to stop and stand smack dab in the middle of the hallway. This person, by himself, is no problem to navigate around. The real problem comes from all the people that accumulate around him. Much like water collects in droplets, people begin to gather around him. This snowball effect causes a major obstacle in narrow hallways. The downside of this is you will probably have to throw some elbows, or cram your way through some very unpleasant places. The plus side is that most likely someone you know has been sucked into the crowd, and you can help each other fight your way through.

These people are the least dangerous because they tend to move at such slow speeds. There is no real danger of collision. The dangerous people are those on the move. Although these people have had roughly fifteen years practice, they seem to have no clue how to walk. In order to avoid a nasty impact you must remain ever vigilant for Waldo, The European, and Speed Racer.

Waldo is the least dangerous of the three because he is very easy to spot. He clearly has no idea where he is, or where he is headed. Usually he looks at the ceiling, the walls, the floor, everywhere but in front of him, trying desperately to get his bearings. The downside of Waldo is he looks so lost you just have to stop and help him. The plus side of Waldo is that he moves slow, and is easy to spot. If you pay attention, he is easy to avoid. The European is the second most dangerous person you could possibly encounter in the hallways. From birth Americans are taught to stay to the right. If everyone stays to his or her right then there are never any problems. This European is blissfully unaware that everyone else is going the other way, and he insists on going against traffic. With each step he becomes more likely to crash head on with someone, possibly you. If you come into contact with the European either way you lose. If you smash into him you risk bodily harm; if you don’t smash into him you are forced to move sideways in place for at least a minute. You move to the right, and he mirrors you. You move to the right. He moves right along with you. You and he will be trapped in this same spot for eternity until someone breaks the cycle. Usually you have to stop and let him pick a side. The downside of this person is the fact that either way you lose. The plus side is you might end up making a friend from your awkward sideways encounter. If you ever want to talk to the person again you just have to say “Hey weren’t you the guy who I almost ran into in the hallway?”

The last and most dangerous of all is Speed Racer. Because of the lightening speeds at which he travels Speed Racer is nearly invisible until it is too late. In the doorway of a classroom he crouches down to become more aerodynamic, and rockets out into the hallway. This person insists on being the first in class and has no regard for your safety. He will run you over with no remorse. You are nothing but a speed bump in his race to class. The downside of Speed Racer is of course the danger. Impact with him is enough to knock over a fully grown man. The plus is he provides you with a clear path to class. If you follow in his wake, none of these other troublesome pedestrians will get in your way.

Most people won’t have to deal with these students every day, but you will encounter each of them at least once. For most of you reading this paper it is already too late, but for those who have never encountered these pedestrians preparation is vital. It can save you from the humiliation of an impact, or the repercussions of being tardy. If you, on the other hand, are one of these people mentioned above, hopefully this has made you aware that you are not the only person trying to get to class.