Nathan+Cuklanz+Formal+Essay+2

//This essay was one of my favorites to write. Skiing is one of my favorite things to do, and every year I go on my school ski trip. On that trip, I saw all of the different types of people that go down the mountain and wanted to write an essay that described them. The original draft to this essay was very explicit. If you want to read that one (it’s better), just ask. However, this version is also good, and if you are a skier you should enjoy it. // Classifying the Skier  Some people think that all skiers and snowboarders are exactly alike. They think that just because they all wear heavy jackets and enjoy the snow they are the same. To put it simply, these people are wrong. After just one stay at a ski resort, I quickly found out that every skier and snowboarder can be categorized by their mannerisms, motivations, actions, and most importantly, the way they go down the mountain.  The first types of skiers are perhaps the most annoying. They are the noobs, and they get in everyone’s way. Legs shaking, skis crossed, they slowly make their way down the hill. They drop their poles, they lose their skis, and they lay on the ground more than they stand up. They can be young, old, fat, or skinny. One can easily spot a noob by looking at his attire. Denim jeans, ancient skis, and fluorescent green/purple Technica boots are sure signs of a noob.  Up next are the experts. These guys are good, and they know they’re good. They could easily conquer a double black diamond, but they go down green circles just to show off. As they glide down the mountain, shifting from side to side, dodging noobs one by one, observers can’t help but think to themselves, “Wow these guys are stuck up.” Unlike noobs, experts are rarely on the ground. They’re way too good for that. However, the rare occurrence does exist where an expert and a noob collide. Not only is this situation comical, but it also provides the opportunity of a lifetime. After witnessing this collision, the observer should waste no time in “accidently” running the expert over and using the bottom of his skis to wipe that smug, condescending look off of the expert’s face.  There is one group more arrogant than the experts; I call them the posers. Posers are people that used to ski, but then pick up snowboarding for the sole reason of looking cool in the eyes of their peers. These people think they are the greatest snowboarders to ever go down a mountain. A poser will tell everybody he knows, and even some people he doesn’t know, that he is an amazing snowboarder. Nobody should ever miss out on the opportunity to watch a poser in action. It only takes about five seconds to see just how “amazing” he is. I’m no expert at snowboarding, but I’m pretty sure that sliding down a slope face-first does not constitute as a “gnarly move.” However, be warned that it is impossible to expose these posers for the imposters that they are. No matter how many times they are told that they suck, they will always think they’re the best that ever lived.  There is another group that can be easily spotted on any black diamond slope. This group, called the “loonies”, is mostly made up of adolescent boys are too inexperienced to be experts, but also have too much pride to be noobs. For the most part, loonies are new to winter sports and have no respect for their bodies. When asked by their friends if they want to go down a black diamond, loonies respond with a grammatically incorrect “I ain’t no noob” and hop on the ski lift. Anyone can easily distinguish a loony from any other type of skier by simply watching them in action. The first thing that one notices is the way he goes down the slope: straight. Rarely will he ever steer left or right to slow himself down. He doesn’t know how. Also, listen to what the loony is saying. Most likely he will be screaming something along the lines of “Pizzaaa! Pizzaaa! Help! Help! Pizzaaaaaa!” as he foolishly attempts to slow himself down with the notoriously unreliable “pizza maneuver.” The loony will then careen down the mountain, relying on pure luck to dodge the experts that gently sway left and right. If he is lucky enough, a loony will live to make it to the bottom of the slope, where he pretends like nothing happened. However, by listening carefully on the lift ride back to the lodge, one can hear the loony quietly thanking God that he is alive.  A ski resort is home to so many different types of skiers and snowboarders that sometimes it’s hard to find something that they share in common. Everyone looks different, acts different, and skis different. However, there is one thing that the noobs, experts, posers, and even loonies all share, and that is their love for the mountain.